Turns Out, Taking up Space Has Nothing to Do with Size
The Beautifull Project truly is a collection of stories, and we’re eager to begin sharing more of them. Today, we’re thrilled to host our first contributed blog. We believe with our whole, full hearts that you have a story – a perspective – worth taking up space. Go first - submit yours today.
Contributed By Beth
Something moved me today to sit down and write this.
I don’t actually know why.
I have followed The Beautifull Project from afar, skimming the blogs, not listening to the podcasts but giving them a love or like on social media, my excuse always being that I need to watch something, touch something – I’m a massage therapist for God’s sake, a kinesthetic learner. Listening I can do when you’re around my table, but to listen to a podcast, well it’s a hard pass for me.
And then, I heard it.
You don’t fit in here.
This isn’t your struggle.
These aren’t your people.
You don’t take up too much space.
You shrink a little maybe.
You get nervous when you have to wear extra large, but you don’t have these struggles.
For many weeks now, I wondered why I kept being drawn here, what was I missing. Then, it became clear.
Why could I tell others to dig deep into the pain but not fully and completely do that for myself?
When you declare to the Universe that you want to be a conduit of light and hold space for others, you better be prepared to clear your own shit first. And, I had actually thought this past year I did just that.
As it turns out, though, I missed something, and I’m thankful to The Beautifull Project and all of these women for pulling me along and opening my eyes.
During my childhood, I was raised with a strict, controlling hand. I cringe to say “childhood” because it seems to put blame on parents, which I am and already wonder what my own children will someday say. Nonetheless, then I could be trusted as long as I was following the rules set by others.
I could eat when I was told and have those “special” Hostess snacks … once a day. After all, what are we - made of money?
I did not eat lunch at school because God forbid someone see me eat too much or I should draw attention to myself around food. I was hungry though and the minute I got home I would eat a salad, and then later, when no one was watching, I would eat in secret.
Sneak the snacks, hide in my room and binge.
Then, I would repeat this the next day … and the next.
I rarely made my own decisions. I mean, I was able to, but I knew whether or not they were approved. So, usually, I just went with what others thought I should do. While I know my parents were well intentioned, I never really learned how to make my own decisions or understand that I had this amazing inner voice that would guide and direct me.
If I say this is God, some will be offended.
If I say this is the Universe, my mother wonders if I still believe in Jesus.
I always wondered why I could see it was all the same and others could not.
I was different, didn’t really fit and hated the “rules and judgments.” I certainly didn’t like school and the rules and judgments there.
There was a constant shuffle of fit in, but not too much. The always shrinking when I didn’t please others.
And while I see where it started, I also see it was necessary for where I am.
If I hadn’t seen and lived that way, how could I possibly see and live where I am today. I still cower in the face of praise. Sometimes I cannot make eye contact – what if that’s the wrong thing to do. I look to others for answers when I have them inside myself.
There’s this desire for space that needs to grow but still hears that voice of pleasing others … or at least the opinions of others.
I never learned that I could have my own space, that others could have their own space, and that we could still share space without an issue.
It has always been right or wrong …
THAT’S IT! What an amazing idea that I can be right … and so can you.
I feel my heart open as I write that, and I see that maybe these women in these stories are people like me … or perhaps I am like them.
Because without all of the titles that we like to give ourselves or the boxes we fit in, we are simply souls made from love, here to be love, to love fiercely and invite others to do the same.